Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all. Jay Leno More Quotes by Jay Leno More Quotes From Jay Leno Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute. Jay Leno missingnamespeople The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry. Jay Leno newsrapmen President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard. Jay Leno fishingpresidentthinking You know what Ken Lay had for breakfast this morning? Shredded Wheat. Jay Leno wheatmorningbreakfast Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti. Jay Leno confettinew-businessenergy It turns out Enron workers were not only shredding documents at work, they were having sex at work. Having sex and shredding documents. Those are two things you don't want to get mixed up. Jay Leno wanttwosex The big rumor going around is, we may begin bombing Iraq. Or, as the White House calls it, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page. Jay Leno iraqwhitehouse Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay. Jay Leno united-statestodayideas The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?' Jay Leno drunkwhitehouse A lot of Congressmen yesterday were upset when Kenneth Lay took the Fifth. Lay said it wasn't his fault. He had planned on testifying, but when Jeffrey Skilling testified, he took all the really good lies. Jay Leno upsetyesterdaylying A new study says that over half of all Californians are Jay Leno halftwofacts Like in [the 1950s] if you wanted to ruin someone´s career in Hollywood you claimed he was a Communist. Nowadays, you want to ruin someone´s career in Hollywood, you claim they are Republican. Jay Leno politicalpartycareers On Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then everybody had a good laugh and went back to what they were doing. Jay Leno hillslaughinghands In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million? Jay Leno enron-scandalwhistleblowerscalling At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down. Jay Leno airportsrefusefirsts This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week. Jay Leno threeguykids President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I? Jay Leno oilmoviewar Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker! Jay Leno deandoctorsworkers Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia. Jay Leno whitewindjobs One thing about mildly dyslexic people - they're good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal. Jay Leno dyslexicgoalpeople
