Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black moustache. P. G. Wodehouse More Quotes by P. G. Wodehouse More Quotes From P. G. Wodehouse Beginning with a critique of my own limbs, which she said, justly enough, were nothing to write home about, this girl went on to dissect my manners, morals, intellect, general physique, and method of eating asparagus with such acerbity that by the time she had finished the best you could say of Bertram was that, so far as was known, he had never actually committed murder or set fire to an orphan asylum. P. G. Wodehouse girlhomewriting She's one of those soppy girls, riddled from head to foot with whimsy. She holds the view that the stars are God's daisy chain, that rabbits are gnomes in attendance on the Fairy Queen, and that every time a fairy blows its wee nose a baby is born, which, as we know, is not the case. She's a drooper. P. G. Wodehouse girlstarsbaby She looked like something that might have occured to Ibsen in one of his less frivolous moments. P. G. Wodehouse ibsenmomentsmight It ought to be a criminal offence for women to dye their hair. Especially red. What the devil do women do that sort of thing for? P. G. Wodehouse criminalsdevilhair I was in rare fettle and the heart had touched a new high. I don't know anything that braces one up like finding you haven't got to get married after all. P. G. Wodehouse bracesmarriedheart But everything is relative, Bertie... You, for instance, are my relative, and I am your relative. P. G. Wodehouse relativeinstance From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so far, so it begins to look as though, unless I suddenly hit mid-season form in my eighties, humanity will remain a message short. P. G. Wodehouse humanitylooksyears There's too much of that where-every-prospect-pleases-and-only-man-is-vile stuff buzzing around for my taste. P. G. Wodehouse too-muchstuffmen Mr Howard Saxby, literary agent, was knitting a sock. He knitted a good deal, he would tell you if you asked him, to keep himself from smoking, adding that he also smoked a good deal to keep himself from knitting. P. G. Wodehouse agentsknittingsmoking So always look for the silver lining And try to find the sunny side of life. P. G. Wodehouse optimistictryinglooks One of the rummy things about Jeeves is that, unless you watch like a hawk, you very seldom see him come into a room. P. G. Wodehouse hawkswatchesrooms It looked something like a pen wiper and something like a piece of hearth-rug. A second and keener inspection revealed it as a Pekinese puppy. P. G. Wodehouse puppypieceshumorous And, anyway, no matter how much you may behave like the deaf adder of Scripture which, as you are doubtless aware, the more one piped, the less it danced, or words to that effect, I shall carry on as planned. P. G. Wodehouse scripturemattermay I may as well tell you, here and now, that if you are going about the place thinking things pretty, you will never make a modern poet. Be poignant, man, be poignant! P. G. Wodehouse maymenthinking I go in for what is known in the trade as 'light writing' and those who do that - humorists they are sometimes called - are looked down upon by the intelligentsia and sneered at. P. G. Wodehouse lightwritingsometimes I'm all for rational enjoyment, and so forth, but I think a fellow makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiled eggs at the electric fan P. G. Wodehouse eggsfansthinking Lady Glossip: Mr. Wooster, how would you support a wife? Bertie Wooster: Well, I suppose it depends on who's wife it was, a little gentle pressure beneath the elbow while crossing a busy street usually fits the bill. P. G. Wodehouse supportelbowswife She could not have gazed at him with a more rapturous intensity if she had been a small child and he a saucer of ice cream. P. G. Wodehouse ice-creamhumorouschildren One prefers, of course, on all occasions to be stainless and above reproach, but, failing that, the next best thing is unquestionably to have got rid of the body. P. G. Wodehouse nextfailingbody Well, there it is. That's Jeeves. Where others merely smite the brow and clutch the hair, he acts. Napoleon was the same. P. G. Wodehouse jeeveswellshair
