No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Dave Barry More Quotes by Dave Barry More Quotes From Dave Barry Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year's resolutions of 275 people. After one week the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks we have no idea what happened because the psychologists had quit monitoring. Dave Barry new-year team simple Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished? Dave Barry stupidity light god More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging. Dave Barry packaging coming-out these-days Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really. Dave Barry funny-fathers-day dad naps You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a Dave Barry evening news giving Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are. Dave Barry player games soccer Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Dave Barry laughter beautiful art For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. Dave Barry stupidity god people Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device. Dave Barry effort stones believe Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes. Dave Barry has-beens paint country The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste? Dave Barry ethical-standards president jobs There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy. Dave Barry baby boys thinking Too many rocks in the mountains. Dave Barry rocks stupidity god The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization. Dave Barry term organization attitude This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content. Dave Barry obsessed substance lows Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade. Dave Barry hands people years What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with a terrific-ally witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties. Dave Barry party stupid witty If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh? Dave Barry smart europe people Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Dave Barry stupidity god water Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 Dave Barry turkeys god children
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