No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo. Christopher Titus rolling groups car Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop. Christopher Titus feel-good inspiration successful Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting. Christopher Titus dating crazy night My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. Christopher Titus party couple father The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please? Christopher Titus wife honor liars Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good. Christopher Titus screwed-up yeah looks Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. Christopher Titus pissed-off philosophical philosophy Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy. Christopher Titus hey news broken The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman. Christopher Titus wall men america We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro. Christopher Titus black real president My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember. Christopher Titus growing-up dad teacher Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat. Christopher Titus philosophical philosophy war Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb. Christopher Titus cousin girlfriend sex And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group. Christopher Titus husband mom father The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo! Christopher Titus dad good-night light In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can! Christopher Titus dad heart opportunity So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man! Christopher Titus brother mean past Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh. Christopher Titus dad girlfriend father I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships. Christopher Titus father years needs Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm. Christopher Titus booty dad life-is
