Jenny Lawson: One moment I'm perfectly fine and the next I feel a wave...

Every time I get scared or feel like I'm not going to be good enough at something, I say that mantra to myself. "Pretend you're good at it."

Jenny Lawson

scared good-enough be-good

Because you are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them. And because there is joy in embracing - rather than running from - the utter absurdity of life.

Jenny Lawson

absurdity-of-life running joy

But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.

Jenny Lawson

liquor-stores childhood choices

The first thing I do when I come home is check the refrigerator for cats because I'm convinced that if one dies, my husband will hide it in there because I don't cook and so I won't see it. I do drink Cokes, though ,so technically he should hide the corpse in the oven. And now I need to start checking the oven.

Jenny Lawson

cat husband home

I have trouble getting approvals from my heath insurance company for basic antidepressants. And I have the best plan my agency has. I can't get high off this stuff! I'm not going to sell it! Getting my medication is critical. It's me saying, "I just want to live." And their response seems to be, "We agree that it's a matter of life and death; that's why we're declining it." Every time I get a cold, I have Tylenol with codeine coming out the wazoo. But the medication I need to live? Nah.

Jenny Lawson

life-and-death agency needs

When I was young, my family didn't go on outings to the circus or trips to Disneyland. We couldn't afford them. Instead, we stayed in our small rural West Texas town, and my parents took us to cemeteries.

Jenny Lawson

texas parent goes-on

In short? It is exhausting being me. Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax.

Jenny Lawson

xanax normal energy

When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.

Jenny Lawson

brother sleep men

It’s amazing how much you’re missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side. It’s like breathing again after being underwater for far too long.

Jenny Lawson

breathing missing long

I was always shy. Writing was my only outlet. Because I always hid in a room, I spent a lot of time watching people. When I was a small child I could detect hidden body language in others only I could see. People's emotions rub off on me. When I told this to my therapist she said, "Well, you're an empath." I thought, "No way. Like Star Trek?" And she clarified: because I am so socially uncomfortable, I have compassion for others who I recognize are also struggling. People with anxiety are acutely aware.

Jenny Lawson

stars struggle children

High School Is Life’s Way of Giving You a Record Low to Judge the Rest of Your Life By)

Jenny Lawson

judging giving school

So many of us feel like we're misfits until we finally find our tribe - the other people who are are strange in the same way - and suddenly everything clicks.

Jenny Lawson

tribes people way

If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.

Jenny Lawson

psychopath cheerleader school

I try to be appreciative of what I have instead of bitter about what I’ve lost.

Jenny Lawson

bitter appreciative trying

Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn't actually exist anymore? Someplace that exists only in your mind?

Jenny Lawson

homesick mind

I once threw myself a surprise party on Twitter because I was lonely. It was awesome. Thousands of people showed up and then Wil Wheaton and I made a bunch of monkey-ponies. It was the most successful surprise party I've ever thrown in my life. It was also the only surprise party I've ever thrown in my whole life.

Jenny Lawson

party lonely successful

When I was little, my father used to sell guns and ammo at a sporting goods store, but I always told everyone he was an arms dealer, because it sounded more exciting.

Jenny Lawson

arms gun father

No," I replied testily. "I'm pretty sure 'digital' is Latin for 'fingeral,' so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland." The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the "fingeral" wasn't even a real word. Then I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably because he's embarrassed that he doesn't know how Latin works. Then he claimed that "underrecating" isn't a word either. The man has a terrible bedside manner.

Jenny Lawson

cancer real latin

Like books, the Internet has saved my life. It helped me recognize that so many people I adore suffer from the same things I do.

Jenny Lawson

suffering book people

Meanwhile, I was doodling pictures of vampiric cougars.

Jenny Lawson

doodling cougars

One moment I'm perfectly fine and the next I feel a wave of nausea, then panic. Then I can't catch my breath and I know I'm about to lose control and all I want to do is escape. Except that the one thing I can't escape from is the very thing I want to run away from... me.