Ike Barinholtz: Out of the 72 kids that I went to high school with, I...

You don't want to have to come into work on Monday already apologizing. I try to save my apologies for what I've done later in the week.

Ike Barinholtz

apology monday trying

It's OK to argue with your friends. Guys can do it better than girls, usually, but if you ever get into a fight with a true friend or a spouse or a boyfriend, get it out, fight, be angry for five minutes, and then move past it. Don't let it fester; don't hold a grudge. If you do, that's when it will get worse and worse.

Ike Barinholtz

true-friend girl moving

I'm a big crier in general. The right life insurance commercial will take me out for a couple of days.

Ike Barinholtz

take-me bigs couple

My mentality is: I'm going to do it. I'm going to eat a lot of food, and then I'm going to complain about it when I see myself on camera.

Ike Barinholtz

mentality cameras complaining

Rules with an iron fist, but sometimes in that fist is a rose.

Ike Barinholtz

iron fists rose

Theres nothing like taking two flights when you have a horrible hangover. Its bad when people can see actual alcohol seeping out of your disgusting pores.

Ike Barinholtz

hangover two people

I'm more scared of parking by a parking meter than vampires because one of them is real and adversely affects my life and results in a $35 fine, and one is nonsense.

Ike Barinholtz

my-life nonsense real life

I do two cups of coffee with a little bit of raw sugar and soy creamer, and then I do a bowl of plain oatmeal with walnuts and blueberries. Now, if I could do what I really wanted to do with my life, every morning I would have a salami-and-cheese omelet with hash browns and a buttermilk biscuit - and pancakes. But my heart would explode.

Ike Barinholtz

coffee heart morning life

I've been pretty lucky with neighbors. But back in 1998, I lived, like, literally next door to Wrigley Field in Chicago. And I had, like, 50,000 bad neighbors spread out over the course of one summer. I'm a diehard Cubs fan, but living right next to the ballpark, it's just - as you're trying to go to sleep, you can just, like, hear urination.

Ike Barinholtz

door bad you sleep

I'm a big crier in general. The right life insurance commercial will take me out for a couple of days. I watched Hillary Clinton on the news the other day, and I got choked up by Hillary Clinton.

Ike Barinholtz

day me news life

I wanted to be a senator from Illinois. I was obsessed with politics. My dad was friends with a lot of local politicians, so I would hang out with them on Election Day and hand out buttons. Somehow, even though they were opposite, I loved Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton. I thought they were the coolest guys!

Ike Barinholtz

day friends dad politics

We decided we don't use the term 'fat' for me. We use the term 'juicy' for me. My wife's fine with it, but the rule is when I'm over double her weight, it's over.

Ike Barinholtz

fat me fine wife

I used to teach improv courses in Amsterdam where we would do team-building exercises, and they can go south very quickly.

Ike Barinholtz

where go amsterdam teach

Whatever you want to do in the industry, do it on the smallest level at first. If you want to be a writer, write a screenplay in your house. If you want to be an actor, put on a one-man show. If you want to be a stand-up comedian, go to an open mic.

Ike Barinholtz

your go you house

I'm a huge fan of 'Eastbound & Down.' It's one of my favorite shows.

Ike Barinholtz

favorite fan down shows

I went in and auditioned for one of the main guys for 'The League' when it was first casting, and I was so excited because I was like, 'Oh my God, this is my life!' I love fantasy football, and I play with my buddies, and my wife is frustrated with it.

Ike Barinholtz

wife god love life

The first two years I was on 'MADtv' were really, really fun. We always thought it was 'Saturday Night Live's very nice, slightly asthmatic, shorter cousin.

Ike Barinholtz

live thought fun night

Mark Wahlberg, when I was in high school, people were like, 'You look like Marky Mark!' Then as I got older, they were like, 'You look like Donnie Wahlberg.' Now they're like, 'You look like Donnie Wahlberg's cousin from Massachusetts.'

Ike Barinholtz

look you people school

I take my dog to the vet a lot because he's old and sick, and I always step on the scale when I'm there. Let's just say shirts that were once button-able are no longer. I'm constantly being roasted by my wife.

Ike Barinholtz

step wife sick dog

I do this thing at every party: I go to a party, I stand around for, like, 45 minutes, and then I turn to my wife and say, 'I think we should go home.' And then we leave, and then I wake up the next morning and say to my wife, 'We don't go out anymore.' It's a great trick.

Ike Barinholtz

great wife home morning

Out of the 72 kids that I went to high school with, I still talk to 25 of them on a fairly regular basis. Seven of my classmates live in L.A., and five of them are in the entertainment business, and we constantly talk and play fantasy football together.