People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' David Sedaris More Quotes by David Sedaris More Quotes From David Sedaris Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp. David Sedaris razors girl white “This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you,” he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that this time he was right. Worse than the boil was the stuff that came out of it. What got to me, and got to him even worse, was the stench, which was unbearable, and unlike anything I had come across before. It was, I thought, what evil must smell like - not an evil person but the wicked ideas that have made him that way. How could a person continue to live with something so rotten inside? And so much of it! David Sedaris smell hurt ideas Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn't have to be a big thing; in fact, most often, it's just the opposite. David Sedaris stories opposites facts There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents. David Sedaris car humans world Besides, if I wanted to hear people speaking wall-to-wall French, all I had to do was remove my headphones and participate in what is known as ‘real life,’ a concept as uninviting as a shampoo cocktail. David Sedaris wall real people When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. David Sedaris listening laughing people Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. David Sedaris grammar mouths sometimes Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer. Ions might charge the air but they fell flat when it came to charging the imagination - my imagination, anyway. David Sedaris ions imagination air I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. David Sedaris life-is interesting thinking I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. David Sedaris iron listening book What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks? Trains don't normally sneak up on people. Unless they've derailed, you pretty much know where to find them. David Sedaris track people son If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother. David Sedaris fetus president mother To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. David Sedaris news bigs laughing There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. David Sedaris happens writing But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure. David Sedaris possibility real jobs I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again," he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. "It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters David Sedaris refrigerators live-your-life promise My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a typewriter and I whited out a line, often I would choose a word to go in the space just because it fit. Now I don't have to do that. David Sedaris space typewriters years Sallie Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies located in a tall brick building somewhere in Kansas. I picture it to be the tallest building in that state and I have decided they hire their employees straight out of prison. David Sedaris kansas bully girl I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. David Sedaris tools use writing whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like. David Sedaris excellence diaries moving
