People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning. Bill Maher More Quotes by Bill Maher More Quotes From Bill Maher The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them. Bill Maher politicalpeopleideas Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance. Bill Maher intolerancetheocracytolerance If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone. Bill Maher gunifs Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable. Bill Maher governmentliarspeople There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark. Bill Maher nightmeancountry I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally. Bill Maher biblicalpoliticalpeople In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit. Bill Maher partymilitaryrunning The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles. Bill Maher doghomeworld New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex. Bill Maher gaydogsex I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people get enough money to live, or you're always going to have people needing government assistance. You can't have it both ways. Bill Maher governmentpeoplethinking If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' Bill Maher vampiremedicinepain To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity. Bill Maher cowardstupiditycourage When I hear from people that religion doesn't hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan. Bill Maher girlsuicidehurt Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became. Bill Maher mistakeorderpast To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'. Bill Maher clickssoftwarechristian Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired. Bill Maher criticalmeanthinking New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain. Bill Maher firesorryrain I don't say that I'm an atheist. I don't like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don't know. And if you don't know - and you don't - just man up and say you don't know. Don't turn to silly stories and ancient myths. Bill Maher atheistsillymen At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution. Bill Maher institutionslastsyears New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math. Bill Maher mathtwomean
