That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN. Craig Ferguson cnnwatchespeople Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts. Craig Ferguson lawyearsschool For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids Craig Ferguson beescountryschool The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. Craig Ferguson valentinedoctorsheart I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do. Craig Ferguson creepylaughing I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available. Craig Ferguson storieslongamerica You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex. Craig Ferguson tvssexpeople The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree. Craig Ferguson degreesgovernmentlaw You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life. Craig Ferguson mathkidsthinking Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them. Craig Ferguson issueshatepresident I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities. Craig Ferguson sanctity-of-marriagegaypeople President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. Craig Ferguson passionatetechnologypresident I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers. Craig Ferguson underwearbandyears It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television. Craig Ferguson nightpeopleinteresting Sometimes, in order to follow one's heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I'm not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable. Craig Ferguson sickheartorder Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something. Craig Ferguson medicineimportanttelevision Tomorrow is your future's yesterday. Craig Ferguson your-futuretomorrowyesterday Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way. Craig Ferguson guneasyway I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. Craig Ferguson comedyself-esteemthinking Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt. Craig Ferguson guiltyguiltfeelings
