The Atkins' diet is where you eat bacon for six or seven months...and the end result is that you lose weight. Because you're dead. Michael Ian Black More Quotes by Michael Ian Black More Quotes From Michael Ian Black I don't think I was awake for much of my childhood. I did a lot of napping. This might have been a defensive measure against encroaching depression. Until about the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines. Michael Ian Black zero depression thinking The thing that I think is the most important is taking moments to express your appreciation to your partner. A thank you or a quick kiss can go a long way toward affirming your relationship and commitment to each other. That's not hard to do even when you're juggling insane careers and three kids. Michael Ian Black thank-you appreciation kids When you're writing something, and you're putting yourself out there, or you're performing and someone comes in and savages that, then of course it feels personal. It doesn't feel like it's just business, because there's no business - it's not like we're conducting business, this anonymous critic and I. It's just that this person is tearing me a new asshole. Michael Ian Black conducting savages writing I think people just love to win. Michael Ian Black winning people thinking Super excited about things I'm going to do; never excited about things I'm actually doing. Michael Ian Black excited I don't chase after things, but I put forward the effort and know the rest of it is out of my hands. Michael Ian Black effort knows hands I don't necessarily self-identify as a writer, 'cause it implies a certain level of intelligence. Michael Ian Black levels causes self If you say "I'm going to be an actor, but I'll get a teaching degree just in case," when things get hard, you'll just be a teacher and that's how you get stuck. Michael Ian Black degrees teaching teacher Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic, but don't give it more attention than it deserves. Michael Ian Black being-yourself attention giving As a game-show host, what I'm thinking and what I'm experiencing doesn't matter. My opinion doesn't matter. So there's a flattened reality to it. It's fun to do. But it's certainly not myself in totality - or even maybe a little bit. Michael Ian Black fun reality thinking You have to lead, in the case of a game show, a contestant through the architecture of the show. So there's a lot of rules there, literal and implied, that you have to navigate. Michael Ian Black cases architecture games I'm enough of an optimist and a patriot to believe that in U.S. you have a lot of opportunity and can do pretty much anything you want in some form. For me, the idea of failure is far preferable to the idea of regret. Michael Ian Black regret opportunity believe Whatever I write I publish. Because that's where the money is. Michael Ian Black publish writing Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying 'money' and 'power.' Michael Ian Black annoying internet fame I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud. Michael Ian Black strong-women black coffee My fear is if I expose myself, not so much that I'll be hurt, but that the reaction will be "Is that all there is? Is that the entirety of you? Because it's boring." Michael Ian Black reactions boring hurt So my reaction to hearing this corny-ass, horrible song ["With Arms Wide Open" by Creed] is violent, uncontrollable, sustained weeping. Michael Ian Black arms fatherhood song Lordy, lordy, lordy do I love money. It is a character flaw, no doubt, one that springs from a panicked childhood in which I always felt as if our family was only a couple missed child support payments from being tossed onto the pitiless streets of our suburban New Jersey town. Michael Ian Black couple spring children That's been my fear all along. That I'm not enough, and I still don't trust at all that I am. Michael Ian Black dont-trust stills enough I hope you die.... P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse. Michael Ian Black corpses fingers funeral
