The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club. Jim Gaffigan More Quotes by Jim Gaffigan More Quotes From Jim Gaffigan I've stayed in so many hotel rooms that I'm shocked if, when I stay in a hotel room, the hotel phone isn't on the desk. Then I'm like, "This isn't a real hotel room." If there's not outlets next to the desk, or if they have an iPhone adapter for an iPhone 4, that's when I'm sitting there annoyed. I understand that it's ridiculous, but that's just me spending way too much time in hotels. Jim Gaffigan iphone phones real There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged. Jim Gaffigan different safe want Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta. Jim Gaffigan meals night thinking I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally. Jim Gaffigan curse stage kids I told my son, who's 11, "Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care." So we tried that experiment, and he just cursed all the time. And I was like, "All right, now I care that you curse." You try to have this idealized view, and it's like, "I don't care." But it's just going to cause chaos. Jim Gaffigan views people son I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me. Jim Gaffigan felt care kids I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner. Jim Gaffigan laughing kids thinking There's this message to comedians in particular, that you shouldn't write it, and a television writer should write it. And that's a prevailing conventional wisdom that I think is really wrong. That's not to say that television writers aren't great, but I think that the belief that some comedy writer's going to be able to capture your voice is naive. Jim Gaffigan voice writing thinking My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it. Jim Gaffigan childhood doctors thinking I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people. Jim Gaffigan doctors jobs thinking Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless. Jim Gaffigan awards winning silly I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public. Jim Gaffigan midwest towns guy You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink! Jim Gaffigan bowling heavy balls Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Jim Gaffigan punishment rights children Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through. Jim Gaffigan running baby thinking Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here. Jim Gaffigan dunkin-donuts design guy Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends. Jim Gaffigan no-friends shoes people You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.' Jim Gaffigan six pages done Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. Jim Gaffigan introducing-new topics stuff I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon. Jim Gaffigan consumption
