The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top. Chelsea Handler rhythm It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner. Chelsea Handler gendergaypeople It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting. Chelsea Handler meanpeopleinteresting You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it. Chelsea Handler fatsgivinglooks Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years. Chelsea Handler duijailyears Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings. Chelsea Handler assaultwings We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home. Chelsea Handler cousindresseshome I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so. Chelsea Handler guyfirststhinking My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot. Chelsea Handler my-momcatmom I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption? Chelsea Handler babygivingthinking I tried to put myself up for adoption several times. Chelsea Handler adoption I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic. Chelsea Handler cleanchancemay I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that. Chelsea Handler batteriesninetwo I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven. Chelsea Handler cocktailsseven No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah. Chelsea Handler going-awayhomebaby My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'. Chelsea Handler datingweektwo People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children. Chelsea Handler kidschildrenpeople For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony. Chelsea Handler rumorbabylooks Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office. Chelsea Handler officegunideas Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a radio opportunity. Chelsea Handler takenopportunityboys
