The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself. Gary Gulman More Quotes by Gary Gulman More Quotes From Gary Gulman No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween! Gary Gulman halloween religious years Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%. Gary Gulman underwear swings ideas Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates. Gary Gulman meals squares people Don't go back over your life with a red pen. Gary Gulman pens red over-you I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix. Gary Gulman sleep night fall Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker. Gary Gulman sugar-cookies cookies sugar Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record. Gary Gulman pull-ups records kids Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you're going? I don't even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard... Some people slow down at those things... I don't slow down. I speed up and set the high score. Gary Gulman dashboards attention people If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you. Gary Gulman stars war years Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it. Gary Gulman fun night long Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run. Gary Gulman hate running mean I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile. Gary Gulman Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again. Gary Gulman growing usual watches If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time. Gary Gulman microwaves pops trying The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in. Gary Gulman quarters devil ears I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy. Gary Gulman comedian people thinking I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian. Gary Gulman party couple christian I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny. Gary Gulman strangers-and-friends brother years I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew. Gary Gulman boston catholic college I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy. Gary Gulman events politics thinking
