The problem with the way we discuss gender is that it tends to be "Let's sympathize with women" or "Let's sympathize with men." Stephen Marche More Quotes by Stephen Marche More Quotes From Stephen Marche When you look at how men and women are living together, there are two processes at work. One, women are rising in the middle class; their earning potential is rising compared to men. It has been underway for 100 years, and nothing is going to stop it. On the other hand, women are denied iconic positions of power - equity partnerships law firms, Hollywood salaries. Stephen Marche men hands years Men are losing power in their daily lives, but manliness is still iconic of power. This creates incredible turbulence around masculinity and incredible confusion around gender norms that's only going to accelerate. Stephen Marche confusion losing men When you ask single men in their 20s, "Do you want children?" they want children more than women do. Again, economics drive this. If you're a 29-year-old woman, having a baby is going to seriously blow up your career. If you're a 29-year-old man, it isn't. Stephen Marche baby men children When you look at the biggest study of the American dream, the number-one correlate for upward mobility is having two parents in a home. It doesn't matter if they're male or female. Stephen Marche dream home numbers Actually the family is still the core social unit. Culturally, traditional masculinity was a removed father. That was a false conception of masculinity and the proper relationship between a man and his children. Stephen Marche men father children One [paradox] is that pornography follows in that wake of women's liberation. The first instances of hard-core pornography were in late 18th-century in France, "the Golden Age of Women." The next wave in the 20th century comes from Sweden, one of the first countries where women voted. Then Germany, again, at the forefront of progress. Then America in the '80s, when women were closing the pay gap. And Japan, same thing. Stephen Marche pay-gap country america As you get closer to equality, you get more pornography. True patriarchal societies like Saudi Arabia do not allow pornography because women are not allowed to turn their bodies into a commodity; women are chattel. Stephen Marche commodity arabia body The easier sex gets, the less intimate every sexual act gets. In the Victorian period, a kiss was like a f - k. And now, you know, when actual sexual acts become so easy, their intimacy declines and their meaning declines. Stephen Marche intimacy kissing sex Whenever I read a book about a marriage, I always feel I'm being lied to. Stephen Marche being-lied lied book Marriage is not one point of view: it's a constant back and forth over different perspectives - a healthy marriage, anyway. Stephen Marche perspective healthy views Marriage is an an inherently contradictory state. It involves the fusion of two people into one thing. And it's also love, and it's a lot of work, and it's got glory in its drudgery. Stephen Marche fusion two people The division [between how much housework men and women do] is declining across all advanced economies - not for the reasons that people want, which is men are doing more, but because women are doing less of it, but even then, the trend is getting towards equality. Stephen Marche division men people Men who define themselves as breadwinners are going to have to leave the traditional iconography of masculinity behind if they want to be breadwinners. Stephen Marche iconography want men Men are not taking women's job, which are good jobs. Being a nurse is an excellent job. Stephen Marche nurse jobs men The economy is changing everything. And men need to deal with that. Our response to it has been rage, stupidity and conscious avoidance of dealing with what the reality of being a man might be outside of empty concepts from ancient history. Stephen Marche stupidity men reality I cannot imagine why a woman would ever call herself anything but a feminist. But a man calling himself a feminist, what does that mean? The answer is he wants to be taken as a good guy. Your choice is between saying you're a feminist and raising a flag at a "Take Back the Night" rally and being a men's rights activist, which is basically the only two ways men have of talking about gender right now, I mean that's just ridiculous. That's just two extremes that are totally useless. Stephen Marche taken night mean I don't really mind it when Trudeau calls himself a feminist because, you know, he did the half-female cabinet; that's something to be proud of. On the other hand, when you look at that recent Russian spousal abuse law or attacks on abortion in the U.S, you have to say that's a human rights issue, and feminism is just human rights. Stephen Marche issues rights law I'd never call myself a feminist, and that the world doesn't need male feminists. Stephen Marche males feminist needs What we're seeing now is not just a backlash against feminism. When you look at guys like [Jesse] Helms in the '80s or even Reagan and Bush, there was a real political backlash against feminism. This is different. This is a parodic recreation of the destruction of traditional masculinity. Look at these hollow men. Look at Steve Bannon who wears sweat pants, who doesn't shave. Or Yiannopoulos who is just a clown. This is toxic masculinity. It's new. To see it as a return to the past is a mistake. It's the breakdown of traditional masculinity, rather than its retrenchment. Stephen Marche real mistake men Look at the fact Donald Trump cannot tie a tie. My father took me aside and taught me how to do this when I was eight. He can't shake hands. These are the basic building blocks of traditional masculine style, and he's a parody of it. Stephen Marche block father hands