There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud. Mallory Ortberg More Quotes by Mallory Ortberg More Quotes From Mallory Ortberg Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken. Mallory Ortberg brokenfeetthinking So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear of saying something out of turn or "bringing up bad memories" that bereaved people often feel forgotten. Mallory Ortberg silencememoriespeople Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. Mallory Ortberg challengesdoepeople If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting." Mallory Ortberg guiltblowjobs There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful. Mallory Ortberg hygienesuccessfulorder If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, "Yes, it bothers me." Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock. Mallory Ortberg resentmentsecretthinking Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Mallory Ortberg diseasedoeheart If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog. Mallory Ortberg caredogeasy I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment. Mallory Ortberg sexualitylevelslows I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time. Mallory Ortberg requirementssexthinking You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner. Mallory Ortberg ablelossneeds Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship. Mallory Ortberg reconciliationasksparty One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy. Mallory Ortberg creepyworrytrying I think that it's a great idea to have honest conversations about children before getting married. I also think it's impossible to promise someone, "What I want right now will never change, and as long as I promise you I do - or don't - want a child - or a specific number of children - before we get married, we will never have to experience fear, anxiety, uncertainty, or the pain of not getting what we want, when we want it. Mallory Ortberg painchildrenthinking If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case. Mallory Ortberg bisexualwifemen You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing. Mallory Ortberg creditwantgiving It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner. Mallory Ortberg fun I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually. Mallory Ortberg husbandrealsex It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living. Mallory Ortberg achieverbusgirlfriend Diapers do not belong on the same table as food. Mallory Ortberg diaperstables
