There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom. Alonzo Bodden More Quotes by Alonzo Bodden More Quotes From Alonzo Bodden I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days. Alonzo Bodden good-old-days old-days black We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody. Alonzo Bodden shoes waiting fun I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right. Alonzo Bodden circles couple fun I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into gay shape. Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of... listen... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved. Alonzo Bodden gay strong blow Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro. Alonzo Bodden black matter people I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening. Alonzo Bodden museums kids moving A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke. Alonzo Bodden focus hurt laughing Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane. Alonzo Bodden airplane black people I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open. Alonzo Bodden hook eye sleep In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening. Alonzo Bodden fake listening mean I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim. Alonzo Bodden burning-down fantasy claims There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables! Alonzo Bodden hate running kids I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time. Alonzo Bodden asian car men Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home. Alonzo Bodden jewelry home stuff Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears. Alonzo Bodden disappear something-new The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III. Alonzo Bodden differences skills people I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits. Alonzo Bodden nice teaching fun You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude? Alonzo Bodden airplane attitude thinking Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce? Alonzo Bodden divorce long sex I could always make people laugh. Alonzo Bodden making-people-laugh laughing people
