There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two. Richard Jeni More Quotes by Richard Jeni More Quotes From Richard Jeni A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off. Richard Jeni yellingyogahypocrite I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future. Richard Jeni tattooregretthinking A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade. Richard Jeni gayhypocriterunning Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident? Richard Jeni illegalcloningpurpose In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will. Richard Jeni nightmaredreammay The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him. Richard Jeni differencesnutslooks The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.' Richard Jeni firesexpeople Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is. Richard Jeni lastseach-daylife It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for? Richard Jeni runningmeanthinking Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death. Richard Jeni divorcefiftylooks The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats? Richard Jeni hindenburgflyingfighting Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday. Richard Jeni sundayspiritualmean If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni uglylos-angelesifs Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower. Richard Jeni militarycountrypeople I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend. Richard Jeni revengewarpeople Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck. Richard Jeni lucksuccesstwo Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it. Richard Jeni toiletsimportantpaper If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? Richard Jeni carrotseyerabbits We would need less gun control if we had better birth control. Richard Jeni birth-controlgunneeds Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team! Richard Jeni teamfootballpeople
