Time is only linear for engineers and referees. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one. Craig Ferguson ropewantnight Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on 'American Idol.' Craig Ferguson idolspeopleyears Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden. Craig Ferguson bideneastcalling I realized women and humor were linked very closely. Craig Ferguson linkedi-realized Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love. Craig Ferguson aromatherapypseudosciencesound There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down. Craig Ferguson happinessfallthinking Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge. Craig Ferguson cannes-film-festivaljudgingyears Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable. Craig Ferguson trackkingsthinking Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me. Craig Ferguson fancypresidentstuff That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself. Craig Ferguson speak You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species. Craig Ferguson thumbsadvicethinking Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.' Craig Ferguson presidentwhitehouse When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. Craig Ferguson diesifsdrinking I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school. Craig Ferguson teacherschoolthinking Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims. Craig Ferguson piedistanceyears In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side. Craig Ferguson darksidespast Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles. Craig Ferguson memoirpagesgames Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!' Craig Ferguson franklinparisnext I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian? Craig Ferguson writingtryingthinking It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No. Craig Ferguson couplewritingsong
