To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'.

Bill Maher

Categorized in : Christian Software Clicks

I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night... She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip synch'... And it struck me that Ashlee Simpson is a lot like George Bush - because she wouldn't even really be in the big leagues if it wasn't for family connections, and she's in way over her head. And she doesn't know what to do. And she blamed her band.

singing league night

Kids. They're not easy, but there has to be some penalty for havi... by Bill Maher

Kids. They're not easy, but there has to be some penalty for having sex.

intelligent kids sex

The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other's asses.

election political blow

Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who’s trying to kill u – u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her.

crazy trying long

What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!

whales bullshit mean

When people say to me, 'You hate America,' I don't hate America. I love America. I am just embarrassed that it has been taken over by people like evangelicals, by people who do not believe in science and rationality. It is the 21st century. And I will tell you, my friend. The future does not belong to the evangelicals. The future does not belong to religion.

hate taken believe

I'm okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.

office kind president

This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave t... by Bill Maher

This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.

car party children

New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.

easter talking past

We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it 'Obama's economy'?

calling jobs years

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name? by Bill Maher

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

agnostic names jesus

Religion is bad and drugs are good. by Bill Maher

Religion is bad and drugs are good.

drug

Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.

salad bars years

What is "martinizing" and why does it only take one hour? by Bill Maher

What is "martinizing" and why does it only take one hour?

one-hour hours doe

It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.

communion excuse jesus

I doubt anything will really come of this lawsuit. First of all, it's a lawsuit. It involves a subpoena. And try to find a Republican who will be willing to be seen serving a black man.

black doubt men

If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.

christian religion jesus

To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you're a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven - that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.

atheist winning country

Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there's ten times the likelihood that you'll get Alzheimer's disease.

alzheimers hate years

I'm not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tac... by Bill Maher

I'm not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic.

scare-tactics western medicine