What other people think of us usually has very little to do with who we are. It has a lot more to do with the other individuals' issues-their prejudices, their fears, and projections. So it is a waste of time to constantly try to impress or please others.

Beverly Engel

Critical words to a child are as painful and damaging as being physically hit. They are verbal slaps in the face. Usually, critical words are accompanied by threats, name-calling, and yelling. This verbal abuse can be especially damaging. Insulting names echo in a child's mind over and over again until he comes to believe he is indeed stupid, selfish, lazy, or ugly and that in fact, that is all he is.

Beverly Engel

selfish stupid children

The more you face the truth, the angrier you will probably become. You have a right to be angry about being sexually abused. You have a right to be angry with the perpetrator, regardless of who it was, how long ago the sexual abuse occurred, or how much he/she has changed.

Beverly Engel

long-ago abuse faces

For too long we have been protecting the ones who have hurt us by minimizing our trauma and deprivation. It's time to stop protecting them and start to protect ourselves. We have been told and feel that we are responsible for their emotional well-being. We are not. We are responsible only for ourselves.

Beverly Engel

emotional hurt long

When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of self-worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and about your accomplishments .

Beverly Engel

self-confidence accomplishment self-worth

Survivors have a difficult time expressing their feelings. They are more accustomed to minimizing their pain and hiding how they really feel, both from themselves and others. They often become frightened whenever they feel anything intensely, be it anger, pain, fear, or even love and joy. They fear their emotions will consume them or make them crazy.

Beverly Engel

pain crazy joy

There are many types of emotional abuse but most is done in an attempt to control or subjugate another person. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self, trust in her perceptions and self-concept.

Beverly Engel

self-confidence abuse emotional

With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until he or she is incapable of judging a situation realistically. He or she may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or even fear they are losing their mind. They have become so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.

Beverly Engel

emotional self-esteem believe

Let others know when they have hurt or angered you. By not speaking up when someone insults or mistreats you, you are inadvertently giving permission for him or her to continue to treat you in the same way in the future.

Beverly Engel

speaking-up being-yourself hurt

You have the right to your own ideas and opinions, to make your own decisions, and to have things go your way at times. Stand up for those rights.

Beverly Engel

decision rights ideas

Instead of envying what others have, decide what YOU want out of life and focus on achieving it.

Beverly Engel

achieve focus want

Apology reminds us that each person (including ourselves) deserves to be respected and treated fairly.

Beverly Engel

treated apology persons

Emotional abuse is any type of abuse that is not physical in nature. It can include everything from verbal abuse to the silent treatment, domination to subtle manipulation.

Beverly Engel

domestic-violence abuse emotional

Accepting that your imperfections and so-called negative attributes are part of what makes you unique will help you to stop continually trying to be someone or something that you are not.

Beverly Engel

being-yourself imperfection unique

Strong Women never put their safety or their self-esteem aside to please someone else or to keep a man. If someone acts inappropriately or abusively in any way (including becoming emotionally abusive), Strong Women stand up for themselves and make it abundantly clear that they will not tolerate the abuse. If this doesn't work, they walk away.

Beverly Engel

strong-women being-yourself self-esteem

Positive and powerful: Sometimes people won't like me, and it's okay. Positive and powerful: I like me, and that's all that matters. Positive and powerful: It's more important what I think of me than what someone else thinks of me.

Beverly Engel

being-yourself powerful thinking

It is far more important to know myself and take care of myself than it is to look good to others.

Beverly Engel

being-yourself important looks