When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.

Jon Stewart

Categorized in : President Court Bounds

Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.

yale white father

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!' by Jon Stewart

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'

lasts suicide death

Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken. by Jon Stewart

Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.

broken brain thinking

Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq - meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

spain troops iraq

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways. by Jon Stewart

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look... by Jon Stewart

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

dragons glasses people

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?

telling-the-truth sound lying

I feel like [God]'s hazing us. by Jon Stewart

I feel like [God]'s hazing us.

Technology. It's like science, only useless. by Jon Stewart

Technology. It's like science, only useless.

technology useless

Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office.

farewell disappointment goodbye

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. by Jon Stewart

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

inspiration insomnia

[President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader.

cowboy fighting soldier

You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping is highlight who the real badasses are, the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bribe to some demented, stick-chewing cartoon villain but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of that danger - compared to their courage - I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But, you know what? You don't deserve that compliment.

badass teenager girl

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.

dog house america

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll... by Jon Stewart

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

Our show is obviously at a disadvantage with any of the other news shows we're competing against. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility, we are ... well, oddly enough we're about even.

news fake enough

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

curriculum life-is graduation

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.

realizing use perfect

Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.

who-cares giving-up war

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

balls office nurse