Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken John Mulaney More Quotes by John Mulaney More Quotes From John Mulaney The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. John Mulaney failing stills stuff Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town. John Mulaney homeless towns gay It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. John Mulaney heroin relief fun I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table. John Mulaney tables sometimes rooms Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines John Mulaney garbage names book I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. John Mulaney stories kids interesting I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment. John Mulaney treatment idiot lucky In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. John Mulaney introvert heroin relief I think for many of us - speaking for just a pocket of the country - we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don't run home and check the nanny cam. But now we've left the baby with Gary Busey, so we're going to be a lot more on it. John Mulaney mom running country I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion. John Mulaney exhaustion crazy If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word. John Mulaney badness compare two It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy. John Mulaney crazy nice people Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. John Mulaney perfect beautiful baby All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it. John Mulaney accounts saving dad Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome. John Mulaney ifs want firsts I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever's on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn't watch important shows. He'll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever's on, we watch. John Mulaney documentaries tvs important Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy. John Mulaney enjoy self-esteem self I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera. John Mulaney cameras cutting player I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I'd done a lot of things I wasn't proud of. John Mulaney drinking running children I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. John Mulaney enjoyed made fun
