Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad. Christopher Titus real kings dream I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy! Christopher Titus giving kids blood Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit. Christopher Titus teenage daughter jobs I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare. Christopher Titus nightmare dream I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that. Christopher Titus husband mom beautiful Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils. Christopher Titus abortion devil practice I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico! Christopher Titus dad jobs father They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture. Christopher Titus eggs jumping guy Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball. Christopher Titus someone-you-love want love-you Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour? Christopher Titus next fishing television Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett. Christopher Titus carols bowie proof You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot. Christopher Titus idiot ends I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs. Christopher Titus divorce soul pounds Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die? Christopher Titus uncles party men Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentine's Day. Christopher Titus valentines-day strong real Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring. Christopher Titus ice vegetables men Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies. Christopher Titus hippie revenge philosophy I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive. Christopher Titus bucks bars guy Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy? But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off. Christopher Titus dad acceptance boys Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song. Christopher Titus wall growing-up song
