Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at the Facts International Airport. Stephen Colbert airportsmediacountry The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media. Stephen Colbert foammediamemories Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal. Stephen Colbert christianmistakeamerica News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans. Stephen Colbert jeansbluereligion ...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get. Stephen Colbert knowskids Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote. Stephen Colbert competitiontexasrace Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.†I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet! Stephen Colbert waitingmeanthinking If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat. Stephen Colbert squatbigsuse I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations. Stephen Colbert technologyuniquememories I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it. Stephen Colbert tsaairportsapology I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character. Stephen Colbert boxingfeelingscharacter Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) Stephen Colbert glasseswhitemean Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter. Stephen Colbert cuttingjobsyears They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you Stephen Colbert sillyrunningfall Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head. Stephen Colbert castrosyphiliscases Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government. Stephen Colbert speechgovernmentjesus To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy. Stephen Colbert pacsdemocracybuying We have this idea in our mind that there's a separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics. Like it's not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course, there - there isn't. Stephen Colbert americaideasthinking I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express. Stephen Colbert visastatus-quoaccepting The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work. Stephen Colbert charactertwoideas
