You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. Jerry Seinfeld differencesjobsnight Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it." Jerry Seinfeld bus-stopsrunningmemories I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in. Jerry Seinfeld gamblefruitreturn Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go. Jerry Seinfeld gentlemanguymen Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them." Jerry Seinfeld insecuretirednumbers A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. Jerry Seinfeld helpinghandschef But I don't want to be a pirate! Jerry Seinfeld pirate Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened. Jerry Seinfeld namestryingpeople A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it. Jerry Seinfeld stupiddogbelieve I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking. Jerry Seinfeld cerealdrinkinghands You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day Jerry Seinfeld ptalaundryfaster Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day. Jerry Seinfeld teacherkidsschool If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem. Jerry Seinfeld t-shirtproblemdirty No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public. Jerry Seinfeld encountersdrugmouths I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? Jerry Seinfeld bad-moviesstrangersarcastic The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt. Jerry Seinfeld potato-chipsdoing-youtelevision What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter. Jerry Seinfeld leavingchocolatethinking Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For? Jerry Seinfeld marine-biologisttitleswar Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour. Jerry Seinfeld dinnerhourssex Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. Jerry Seinfeld blendersyears
