Zach Galifianakis Professions : Stand-up comedian Born : October 1, 1969 Browse All Authors Top 132 quotes by Zach Galifianakis You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before. Zach Galifianakis humor drinking funny I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis growing-up humor funny The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis abbreviations long mean Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread. Zach Galifianakis crazy humor funny Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. Zach Galifianakis agree influence too-much You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. Zach Galifianakis sneakers humor funny I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! Zach Galifianakis writing funny book I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver. Zach Galifianakis dream funny moving My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself. Zach Galifianakis new-year girl years I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. Zach Galifianakis hammocks humor funny At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? Zach Galifianakis humor funny thinking Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven? Zach Galifianakis humor funny thinking My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings. Zach Galifianakis humor brother funny I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. Zach Galifianakis hangover men thinking I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch. Zach Galifianakis humor sorry funny When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese. Zach Galifianakis humor funny looks I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt. Zach Galifianakis humor funny reality I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!' Zach Galifianakis bullshit bible people My forte is awkwardness. Zach Galifianakis awkwardness forte I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice. Zach Galifianakis dating smell guy Similar Authors Brandon T. Jackson stand-up-comedian Amy Schumer stand-up-comedian Bob Newhart stand-up-comedian Al Murray stand-up-comedian Bernie Mac stand-up-comedian Ben Elton stand-up-comedian All Authors
