I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective. David Cross More Quotes by David Cross More Quotes From David Cross Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so... David Cross kings writing bible I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative David Cross weed smoking thinking You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy. David Cross winning war peace The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny! David Cross pages book firsts In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?" David Cross new-york beautiful funny I was in Antwerp - which, I had about 20 shows left at that point - and a guy said, "That's Dave Attell's." Also, Antwerp was my smallest audience, so the guy was right there. I was like, "What?" He said, "Dave Attell does a bit about, 'Why are there luggage stores in the airport?'" I had never seen that, and I would never ever, ever, ever - please believe me - I would never lift material from somebody ever, and certainly not knowingly. David Cross airports guy believe We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins. David Cross bumper-sticker winning firsts Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different. David Cross exit different character I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight. David Cross dog funny believe It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor—which people like in America—all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel-selling-ring-tones act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride. David Cross redneck gay pride The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country. David Cross humor funny country That's what social media is, that's what Twitter is, that's what Facebook posts are. It's just really anti-intellectual. David Cross media intellectual social Go back and read Sinclair Lewis - It Can't Happen Here or Babbitt. For a guy or girl who's going to do an hour of political comedy, it might be a little rough, sure. But I think if you're spending 10 minutes or less, and you're talking about - not necessarily [Donald Trump] but his supporters and the media coverage, there's all kinds of angles to explore. It doesn't just have to be simply, "This guy is crazy!" It's more about the idea of that kind of guy rising to the prominence he has, to actually become the Republican candidate. David Cross crazy girl thinking I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement. David Cross basements drug You can't just yell jokes at people. David Cross humor funny people I'm concerned about organized religion getting away with what it gets away with. David Cross get-away concerned organized I'd like to think that I'm not just making the point that I'm an atheist over and over, but that I explore different facets of religion. There's no way of bringing up religion without sounding like an asshole. David Cross different atheist thinking High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know. David Cross humor funny children We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur. David Cross january humor funny I know Dave [Attel] and we're friendly, and I have nothing but respect for him. David Cross dave knows friendly
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