I was in Antwerp - which, I had about 20 shows left at that point - and a guy said, "That's Dave Attell's." Also, Antwerp was my smallest audience, so the guy was right there. I was like, "What?" He said, "Dave Attell does a bit about, 'Why are there luggage stores in the airport?'" I had never seen that, and I would never ever, ever, ever - please believe me - I would never lift material from somebody ever, and certainly not knowingly.

David Cross

Categorized in : Believe Guy Airports

Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so...

David Cross

kings writing bible

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

David Cross

weed smoking thinking

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

David Cross

winning war peace

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

David Cross

pages book firsts

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

David Cross

new-york beautiful funny

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

David Cross

bumper-sticker winning firsts

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

David Cross

exit different character

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

David Cross

dog funny believe

It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor—which people like in America—all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel-selling-ring-tones act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride.

David Cross

redneck gay pride

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

David Cross

humor funny country

That's what social media is, that's what Twitter is, that's what Facebook posts are. It's just really anti-intellectual.

David Cross

media intellectual social

I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective.

David Cross

comic subjective thinking

Go back and read Sinclair Lewis - It Can't Happen Here or Babbitt. For a guy or girl who's going to do an hour of political comedy, it might be a little rough, sure. But I think if you're spending 10 minutes or less, and you're talking about - not necessarily [Donald Trump] but his supporters and the media coverage, there's all kinds of angles to explore. It doesn't just have to be simply, "This guy is crazy!" It's more about the idea of that kind of guy rising to the prominence he has, to actually become the Republican candidate.

David Cross

crazy girl thinking

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

David Cross

basements drug

You can't just yell jokes at people.

David Cross

humor funny people

I'm concerned about organized religion getting away with what it gets away with.

David Cross

get-away concerned organized

I'd like to think that I'm not just making the point that I'm an atheist over and over, but that I explore different facets of religion. There's no way of bringing up religion without sounding like an asshole.

David Cross

different atheist thinking

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

David Cross

humor funny children

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

David Cross

january humor funny

I know Dave [Attel] and we're friendly, and I have nothing but respect for him.

David Cross

dave knows friendly