I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? Steven Wright inspirational men funny The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? Steven Wright stars night lying Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright humor time funny Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Steven Wright humor night funny I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright humor funny thinking When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. Steven Wright teacher funny school I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. Steven Wright inferiority-complex inferiority very-good If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Steven Wright cat humor funny If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Steven Wright humor funny people Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. Steven Wright stars funny believe How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? Steven Wright ocean humor funny always remember your unique, just like everone else Steven Wright unique remember Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Steven Wright humor taste funny I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. Steven Wright placebo quitting matter There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright sarcastic sports funny Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Steven Wright questions-and-answers phones country The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Steven Wright time witty funny Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? Steven Wright batteries humor funny Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. Steven Wright sweaters humor funny I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Steven Wright self work opportunity
