I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? Steven Wright humor research funny Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Steven Wright orange humor funny I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. Steven Wright mirrors teaching thinking I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property. Steven Wright property pieces land Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Steven Wright humor justice funny I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright humor time funny Smoking cures weight problems, eventually. Steven Wright humor beer funny I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. Steven Wright humor night funny Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Steven Wright fog humor funny Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Steven Wright humor funny art I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. Steven Wright tape mirrors house I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better. Steven Wright team humor funny I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. Steven Wright class teacher school What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright silly inspirational funny A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here. Steven Wright taken friendship funny OK, so what's the speed of dark? Steven Wright humor dark funny I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. Steven Wright humor real funny I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far. Steven Wright hitchhiking thanks said Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Steven Wright bags humor funny I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. Steven Wright almost-dying bungee dying
