Greg Fitzsimmons Professions : Comedian Born : April 5, 1966 Browse All Authors Top 53 quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad. Greg Fitzsimmons wall fighting drinking Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane? Greg Fitzsimmons noble dog men Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go into the economy. Here's what we found out - rich people, really good at keeping all the money. That's how they got rich. If you want it in the economy, give it to the poor people. You know what they're really good at? Spending all their money. Greg Fitzsimmons giving people ideas The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds. Greg Fitzsimmons most-interesting nerd interesting If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership. Greg Fitzsimmons guy ifs want When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool. Greg Fitzsimmons drunk sneak-in heart My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy. Greg Fitzsimmons dumb new-york names I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something. Greg Fitzsimmons olympics hard trying I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork. Greg Fitzsimmons hard-times sleep men I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes. Greg Fitzsimmons grapes jelly young Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications. Greg Fitzsimmons good-luck luck identity I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne. Greg Fitzsimmons awkward hair fall They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame. Greg Fitzsimmons seconds shame men My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy. Greg Fitzsimmons sitting home kids Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical. Greg Fitzsimmons cynical feels tree Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside. Greg Fitzsimmons debt shapes looks Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to. Greg Fitzsimmons debt fun mean There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston. Greg Fitzsimmons boston voice thinking The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it. Greg Fitzsimmons successful opposites doe When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it. Greg Fitzsimmons rotten bread people Similar Authors Bob Hope comedian Brent Weinbach comedian Buddy Hackett comedian Bruce Baum comedian Brother Theodore comedian Brother Dave Gardner comedian All Authors
