A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows. Dana Gould More Quotes by Dana Gould More Quotes From Dana Gould I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it. Dana Gould morning memories thinking Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie? Dana Gould zombie ghost What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up. Dana Gould singing guy wish If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties. Dana Gould music party fun It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm! Dana Gould buckets alarms kids Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans. Dana Gould hoodies hips looks The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live. Dana Gould places-to-live constant terror I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction. Dana Gould tampons dysfunction emotional I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children. Dana Gould three guy children I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive. Dana Gould stores alive two If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. Dana Gould coma ifs promise Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise. Dana Gould pet noise perfect If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me. Dana Gould photo-of-me guy looks There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation. Dana Gould abbreviations shortcuts easy New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex! Dana Gould synonym function sex I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off. Dana Gould shoes men fall In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes. Dana Gould airplane effort looks My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights. Dana Gould weight pay father If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised. Dana Gould car littles laughing No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist. Dana Gould problem want thinking
