Greg Gutfeld: A CNN poll shows both Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton...

A Smith & Wesson does more for empowering women than Feminism ever could

Greg Gutfeld

feminism empowering doe

A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

Greg Gutfeld

agree funny-things people

How funny is it that so many professors labeled Tea Partiers as terrorists, while kissing the asses of real, bona fide terrorists? It's not funny, really. But it's the result of a simple equation: One is cool, and the other isn't. Own a gun and keep it by your bed in your remote farmhouse? You're a redneck. Purchase guns that end up killing a judge? Priceless. As long as you cling to cool, progressive beliefs that deem America evil, whatever you do is cool. And if you do it under a big fuzzy 'fro? Even cooler. Hell, if you 'fro is big enough, you could nuke an orphanage and still get tenure.

Greg Gutfeld

redneck kissing real

If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.

Greg Gutfeld

roots house america

People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

Greg Gutfeld

libertarian conservative people

The joy of hate reflects people who get off pretending to hate something, or hate you, in order to score political points. I call them the 'tolerati' - you know, a group of people who claim to be tolerant, except when they run into someone who disagrees with them.

Greg Gutfeld

hate running order

Chris Matthews is so nuts that if he ate a snickers bar it would be cannibalism.

Greg Gutfeld

bars would-be nuts

Being a conservative on campus is like bing a goat amongst the taliban. You are never safe.

Greg Gutfeld

goats politics safe

Republicans are systematically and deliberately trying to stop millions of American citizens from voting. What part of democracy are they afraid of? I call on Republicans at all levels of government, with all manner of ambition, to stop fear mongering about a phantom epidemic of election fraud. I'm calling for universal, automatic voter registration, every citizen in every state in the union.

Greg Gutfeld

epidemics government ambition

They [policemen] are in a profession that if you do the job incorrectly, or proceeding incorrectly, it's over for you because there isn't any supporter backup. If you make a mistake as a plumber, you know, you fix it and everything goes on or you get sued. But if you make a mistake as a cop, you are more infamous than Jesse James, everything's over.

Greg Gutfeld

goes-on mistake jobs

The great thing about being rich is, you can embrace practices that kill the poor - that's what socialism does.

Greg Gutfeld

socialism practice doe

When you talk about Islamic terror. You go, oh, you're an Islamic - you're Islamophobic because you besmirching all Muslims. No. I'm talking about Islamic terror.

Greg Gutfeld

islamic terror talking

Republicans do actually care about health care. They just don't care about government-run health care.

Greg Gutfeld

care government running

Sanctuary cities are a lot like hitchhiking. And the abstract, it feels really good until you feel dead.

Greg Gutfeld

hitchhiking sanctuary cities

I need somebody to Trump-xplain(ph) this, because I don`t understand it.I`ve heard people defend him about making fun of a disability, making fun of John McCain, making fun of women - a woman`s face.I just wanted to hear somebody defend this as well, because it just never ends. No one will ever stop defending the crass stuff he says.

Greg Gutfeld

fun people needs

The beauty of progress is that it makes it easier for you to carve out a space to be nonproductive.

Greg Gutfeld

easier progress space

We need somebody that can unify a country in spite of a vocal powerful media that's intent on division. It's not about winning the media. It's about winning the people, and I don't think it's necessarily persuasive to eat - to cannibalize yourself. I think that you have to pick the winner.

Greg Gutfeld

powerful country thinking

When one becomes a liberal, he or she pretends to advocate tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, they’re doing so for purely selfish reasons. It’s the human equivalent of a puppy dog’s face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status. In short, liberalism is based on one central desire: to look cool in front of others in order to get love. Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler, than saying something like, 'please lower my taxes.'

Greg Gutfeld

selfish dog order

If the immigrant is responsible for assimilation of the country, and some of these people are in fact are born there. But if you find it unwelcoming to your own barbaric notions of equality, that is not on the country, that is on you. If you leave a horrible place, please leave your horrible practices behind.

Greg Gutfeld

practice country people

I don't know if you get anything more adorable than a tiny pig eating an apple. And here's a fun fact. This is how you make apple-smoked bacon.

Greg Gutfeld

apples pigs fun

A CNN poll shows both Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton beating Donald Trump in the general. Are republicans about to elect a loser? Who knows? But at least we can say it sells great. Then in 2032, we can nominate Justin Bieber and start all over again.