A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. Demetri Martin taxpayers comedy funny A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. Demetri Martin know-it-all annoying persons Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die. Demetri Martin batteries dramatic break It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby. Demetri Martin ironic littles baby I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away. Demetri Martin machines running numbers They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing! Demetri Martin killing fishing should Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K. Demetri Martin someday eras grandchildren It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. Demetri Martin nice would-be people Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'. Demetri Martin use waiting two I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. Demetri Martin rude wonder hands When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads. Demetri Martin sheep clouds animal One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton". Demetri Martin badminton guy men Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying. Demetri Martin wine drinking funny Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies. Demetri Martin have-a-great-day doe enemy I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable. Demetri Martin unreliable men My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' Demetri Martin im-sorry funny moving I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. Demetri Martin enigma mystery I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?' Demetri Martin phones voice morning It is impossible for a cyclops to wink. Demetri Martin cyclops impossible I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.' Demetri Martin sound kids children
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