After Gina was nominated, my best friend Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted, ‘Any Democrat who claims to support women’s empowerment and our national security but opposes her nomination is a total hypocrite,’ well if anyone’s an expert of hypocrites, it’s Sarah huckabee Sanders. And for the record, that was not a looks-based joke. That was about her ugly personality. She has the Mario Batali of personalities.

Michelle Wolf

Categorized in : Latest Headlines

Ivanka, you’re like that birth control pill Yaz. At first, it seemed like you’d be really cool and helpful but you need to be immediately recalled.

Michelle Wolf

latest-headlines

I think she's very resourceful, like she burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's lies.

Michelle Wolf

top-news

I'm very quiet off stage. I think I'm a pretty boring person. I'm not super talkative; I spend a lot of my time running and zoning out. I spend so much time trying to write jokes and 'be on,' so when I'm finally off stage, I just want to sit.

Michelle Wolf

person think boring time

Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.'

Michelle Wolf

juice orange teeth guy

The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.

Michelle Wolf

eat me noodles information

A good joke can work in New York and Kentucky.

Michelle Wolf

joke new good work

The more confident I am, the more daring I am.

Michelle Wolf

confident i-am more daring

I was a kinesiology major in college, which is exercise science. Then, I was either going to get my Ph.D. or go to medical school, but I was kind of burned out after school.

Michelle Wolf

medical college science school

I've been lucky enough to do a lot of very interesting things, and every time, I've been like, 'I want to put everything into this because I want to see how far I can go with it.'

Michelle Wolf

i-can lucky enough time

I'm a standard overachiever.

Michelle Wolf

standard overachiever

As a woman, I have access to hit women in a way that men might not be able to hit them with jokes. I don't mean physically hit. But you know, because I'm a woman, I can say things about women because I know what it's like to be a woman, if that makes any sense.

Michelle Wolf

woman you women men

I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is so different from being a mom.

Michelle Wolf

being dad mom love

I always almost miss my flight. My routine is to constantly, no matter how bad or good the traffic is, to almost miss my flight.

Michelle Wolf

bad good traffic matter

When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating beef jerky and trail mix constantly.

Michelle Wolf

road day eating time

I think I'm a good joke writer. I'm also very scared that the last joke I wrote is the last joke I'll ever write.

Michelle Wolf

joke last good think

People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades.

Michelle Wolf

short only time people

Writing and telling jokes is my favorite thing to do, and I want to be able to do that forever.

Michelle Wolf

jokes want forever writing

Some comedy has turned into, 'Donald Trump's bad, isn't he?' That's a true statement. But where is your joke?

Michelle Wolf

true your bad comedy

Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100 percent true - I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime.

Michelle Wolf

true never best thought

Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed.

Michelle Wolf

street never company comedy