All cowards. All of them, now they say,' Well, this will get done. Maybe after we get back from our summer recess, maybe during the lame duck' — because they're on Senate time. Do you understand you live around here ? Senate time is ridiculous. These mother *** ers live to 200. They're tortoises. They live forever and they never lose their jobs and they never lose their benefits and they never lose all those things. Well, they're not on Senate time. They're on human time. Cancer time.

Jon Stewart

More Quotes by Jon Stewart
More Quotes From Jon Stewart

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

Jon Stewart
respectregretcountry

Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that's extraordinary. And that's why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.

Jon Stewart
lightblowcountry

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Jon Stewart
holidaythanksgivingfunny
Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic. by Jon Stewart

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

Jon Stewart
epidemicsignoranceevil

It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.

Jon Stewart
madstupidzoos
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they... by Jon Stewart

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

Jon Stewart
hobbiessticksmotivational

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot." [Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]

Jon Stewart
new-yorkwarcountry

In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?

Jon Stewart
democracymindpeople

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.

Jon Stewart
collegeworrypeople

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

Jon Stewart
hungrysmartbreak
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s go... by Jon Stewart

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

Jon Stewart
absurdity

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Jon Stewart
snakeshumoroustalking

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

Jon Stewart
christiandreamwar
When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty. by Jon Stewart

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.

Jon Stewart
pettypowerfulneeds
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religio... by Jon Stewart

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Jon Stewart
atheisthopedeath

The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.

Jon Stewart
wiselawamerica
That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973. by Jon Stewart

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.

Jon Stewart
rolexoxymoronethics

The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the ball... is in teaching people what racism actually is ... which allows people to say incredibly racist things while insisting they would never.

Jon Stewart
racismteachingpeople

The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus.

Jon Stewart
libertyguygovernment

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

Jon Stewart
teachingwarorder