All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds. Paul Merton More Quotes by Paul Merton More Quotes From Paul Merton When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won. Paul Merton monday morning thinking At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.' Paul Merton sitting heart night I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? Paul Merton humorous air funny In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism. Paul Merton comedian couple men If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it. Paul Merton done paper house On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here? Paul Merton central-park humorous new-york My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years. Paul Merton past years school It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection. Paul Merton connections laughing people I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties. Paul Merton dvds trying order My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?' Paul Merton yelling blow jobs When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous. Paul Merton edinburgh oysters guy Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way. Paul Merton people way world I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it. Paul Merton potatoes school firsts I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't? Paul Merton comedy age remember It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness. Paul Merton lonely loneliness real I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me. Paul Merton fashion victim When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations. Paul Merton reading listening book Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich. Paul Merton working-class rich class The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear. Paul Merton beautiful-day listening people Have you ever had sex with a horse? Paul Merton horse sex
