Apparently the only thing worse than a terrorist attack, is a gay man stopping it! Jon Stewart More Quotes by Jon Stewart More Quotes From Jon Stewart New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack. Jon Stewart chuck-e-cheese new-york kids I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus. Jon Stewart anna stories jesus It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan. Jon Stewart audience satan Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once. Jon Stewart global-warming realizing happens Clearly, I'm way older than everyone. Jon Stewart way The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, "We're going to make a killing here." You won't because it's still only as good as the content. Jon Stewart internet media world Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in. Jon Stewart democrat realizing should-have You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! Jon Stewart guilty arabia female If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent - you're just not allowed in it. Jon Stewart groups different house There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations. Jon Stewart tired suffering needs The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now. Jon Stewart russia blow war It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs. Jon Stewart jail fighting dog Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president! Jon Stewart popularity president america Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness. Jon Stewart gayness divorce ends Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger. Jon Stewart burgers crime hands Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them. Jon Stewart leaks white house Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle. Jon Stewart fraud terror leader The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus one extra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on day four. Jon Stewart home giving water We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people. Jon Stewart generations people 9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one. Jon Stewart potato-chips potatoes congress
