As soon as a roast is announced, I get everybody - family, friends, waitresses, cab drivers - giving me jokes about the person getting roasted. I'm the mouthpiece for the masses. Jeff Ross More Quotes by Jeff Ross More Quotes From Jeff Ross Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on. Jeff Ross life-is-short pain moving I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged. Jeff Ross groups white people I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be. Jeff Ross bad-grades wells sports Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere. Jeff Ross observation apologizing want I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk to me, and it became an obvious thing. Jeff Ross obvious-things advice remember With everybody having a Facebook and a Twitter, I feel like regular people consider themselves stars. It's a live, real-time upload of every time we buy a pair of socks, the most telling sign that we're losing our politeness. When you know everything about somebody, you can talk to them any way you please. Jeff Ross stars real people How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain? Jeff Ross courtney cobain looks It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody. Jeff Ross cop racist people Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill? Jeff Ross president running trying My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents. Jeff Ross happy-accidents has-beens careers I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move. Jeff Ross power-moves sex moving My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain. Jeff Ross aunt sarcasm uncles Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her. Jeff Ross issues pain children People are not afraid to be very direct with police. And I think that's part of the problem is that people are angry at the cops and then the cops are stressed out and they, you know, pay it backwards, so to speak. Jeff Ross police people thinking I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much. Jeff Ross thoughtful careful too-much Life has to keep going, so you can either be a victim the rest of your life and let it drag you down into drugs and alcohol and depression or you can turn it into something good, fun even, you know, and I tell young people who are going through depression that this might be the most important time of your life. This might be what makes you a great artist later on. Jeff Ross artist fun people When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact. Jeff Ross frustrated rocks stars I don't think it's unfair to have writers. I think if you're going to do a roast on television, as if you were doing a play or you were reading a script of a movie, you would have the best possible material. And those are the people who score, the people who are willing to listen to the roasting experts and then come out there and own that material. Jeff Ross reading play thinking As soon as you start analyzing comedy is when the world starts to fall apart, and we're second guessing it. And we are way too sensitive. Jeff Ross guessing world fall The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out. Jeff Ross get-up jail good-things
