Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Artie Lange More Quotes by Artie Lange More Quotes From Artie Lange Whiskey will always be a part of my life. Artie Lange whiskey A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him. Artie Lange couple baseball sports If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it? Artie Lange gps voice use The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. Artie Lange drink drinking sometimes At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota Artie Lange mirages gambling kids Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself. Artie Lange ems drug hate I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba. Artie Lange gambling gun running I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate. Artie Lange swimming lasts half My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about? Artie Lange uncles mother art Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me. Artie Lange hug drug way I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too. Artie Lange kissing gay thinking For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah. Artie Lange vegas memories kids I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale. Artie Lange toby fighting christian I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke. Artie Lange apologizing jokes ifs When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy. Artie Lange voice crazy character A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian. Artie Lange weekend christian drinking When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep. Artie Lange good-night sleep night But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything. Artie Lange careers people interesting I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good. Artie Lange accidents heroin kids I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life. Artie Lange stability guy
