Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. Ambrose Bierce More Quotes by Ambrose Bierce More Quotes From Ambrose Bierce FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs Ambrose Bierce cooking food science EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. Ambrose Bierce humour function science If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada. Ambrose Bierce united-states hypocrite country VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. Ambrose Bierce virtue certain certainty Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women. Ambrose Bierce bottles wine food Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it. Ambrose Bierce age An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. Ambrose Bierce bishops Scribbler, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own. Ambrose Bierce views writing ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Ambrose Bierce snakes funeral science APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider Ambrose Bierce physicians graves science A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat. Ambrose Bierce violin cat revenge ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. Ambrose Bierce cosmetics arsenic science POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. Ambrose Bierce protection force police BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. Ambrose Bierce physicians body science DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels. Ambrose Bierce bowels disorder science Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. Ambrose Bierce exposure prosperity disease HOMŒOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. Ambrose Bierce medical-profession humour science STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. Ambrose Bierce untrue narrative stories PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy. Ambrose Bierce males pants adults ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell. Ambrose Bierce independent average men
