Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'

David Letterman

Categorized in : President Republican Rip

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

David Letterman

native-american numbers country

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman

math funny science

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You sho... by David Letterman

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

David Letterman

film should two

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And... by David Letterman

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

David Letterman

weed loss memories

Everyday is a compromise. by David Letterman

Everyday is a compromise.

David Letterman

compromise everyday

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

David Letterman

witty inspirational country

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

David Letterman

president trying book

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit. by David Letterman

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.

David Letterman

detroit havens

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same se... by David Letterman

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

David Letterman

involved sex

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing. by David Letterman

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

David Letterman

overdoing-it action sometimes

There just isn't enough televised Chess by David Letterman

There just isn't enough televised Chess

David Letterman

humour enough chess

There is no off position on the genius switch. by David Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch.

David Letterman

position comedy genius

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

David Letterman

zero white house

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been... by David Letterman

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

David Letterman

black guy fighting

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'

David Letterman

half president waiting

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in on... by David Letterman

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.

David Letterman

4th-of-july alcohol two

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

David Letterman

great-idea believe ideas

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching televis... by David Letterman

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

sarcastic purpose funny

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

David Letterman

thanksgiving mom drinking

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.

David Letterman

nsa sleep thinking