Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse. Joan Rivers awards funny people Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work. Joan Rivers baby lying looks My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers husband mother men My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating. Joan Rivers temples body needs I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. Joan Rivers gowns toes want My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day. Joan Rivers ashes husband death I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck. Joan Rivers yelling kissing hate I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays Joan Rivers heidi runway projects You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw. Joan Rivers thinking I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs. Joan Rivers israel blue love-is The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan Rivers makeup found beauty My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. Joan Rivers dog memorable baby If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around. Joan Rivers wrecks ifs What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery. Joan Rivers surgery jewelry All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black. Joan Rivers my-friends black dying I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me. Joan Rivers praise If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting. Joan Rivers lines acting looks Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age. Joan Rivers friends knowing new-york Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts. Joan Rivers valentine heart people I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house. Joan Rivers speak-english house people
