Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny. Craig Ferguson ifstalkingfunny Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence. Craig Ferguson position-of-powerracerunning Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever. Craig Ferguson New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone. Craig Ferguson ipodsiphonephones Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet. Craig Ferguson aphrodisiacdrinkinternet A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it. Craig Ferguson purseshelpinglooks I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV. Craig Ferguson united-statestvswant Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself. Craig Ferguson bumblebeesevildoe Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana. Craig Ferguson canadamarijuanaborders I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there. Craig Ferguson whiteclassamerica It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading. Craig Ferguson readinghomeanimal Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins. Craig Ferguson catgameswinning People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth. Craig Ferguson gayacceptancepeople I'm careful with money. Craig Ferguson careful If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in. Craig Ferguson scotlandwaramerica If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone. Craig Ferguson accountabilitygonenight I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel. Craig Ferguson awkwardpartytalking I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move. Craig Ferguson marching-onboysmoving There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on. Craig Ferguson independentkindfeelings Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers. Craig Ferguson fridaysufferingfall
