From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people. P. J. O'Rourke More Quotes by P. J. O'Rourke More Quotes From P. J. O'Rourke A cocktail party is what you call it when you invite everyone you know to come over to your house at six p.m., put cigarettes out on your rug, and leave at eight to go somewhere more interesting for dinner without inviting you. P. J. O'Rourke eight party interesting Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby. P. J. O'Rourke politics government baby Asia is the continent rhythm forgot. At best Asian music is off-brand American pop, like Sonny Bono in a karaoke bar. At worst Asian music sounds as if a truck full of wind chimes collided P. J. O'Rourke oil sound wind Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison. P. J. O'Rourke tennis jail cities Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle murrain, and turning the Nile to blood, and smiting firstborn, give me a pass, and tell me when it's over. P. J. O'Rourke humorous god funny Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically. P. J. O'Rourke humorous funny lying The Chinese had gunpowder, but it didn't occur to them to put it in a gun. They possessed the compass but didn't go anywhere. They invented paper, printing, and a written form of their language, but hardly anyone in China was taught to read. P. J. O'Rourke chinese gun paper Russian cars are silly. They look like imports drawn by a cartoonist for a UAW newsletter. P. J. O'Rourke car silly war The U.S. tax code was written by A students. Every April 15 we have to pay somebody who got an A in accounting to keep ourselves from being sent to jail. P. J. O'Rourke april jail pay The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle. P. J. O'Rourke party humorous funny France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business. P. J. O'Rourke humorous funny country The very existence of the bicycle is an offense to reason and wisdom. P. J. O'Rourke offense existence reason The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy. P. J. O'Rourke japan humorous funny Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians. P. J. O'Rourke third-world thirds world In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic. P. J. O'Rourke sailing australia funny There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time. P. J. O'Rourke humorous funny art A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it. P. J. O'Rourke boat sailing funny This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they're green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you. P. J. O'Rourke sailing green funny If we're free to do what we want, why does government always have a plan for us? P. J. O'Rourke government doe want I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough. P. J. O'Rourke real funny thinking
