Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own. Ambrose Bierce More Quotes by Ambrose Bierce More Quotes From Ambrose Bierce Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries. Ambrose Bierce diplomatic-relationsdivorceboundaries MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York. Ambrose Bierce citiesleadershipnew-york RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection. Ambrose Bierce observationexperiencereflection Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. Ambrose Bierce follyworshipfear PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Ambrose Bierce growthmilitarycourage PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. Ambrose Bierce financelecturespolitics Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. Ambrose Bierce common-senseutterancetruth FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. Ambrose Bierce baptismcookinglong Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. Ambrose Bierce fatestarsresponsibility WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing political condition is a period of international amity. Ambrose Bierce warpeaceart Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce marriagelovefunny CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach. Ambrose Bierce mightrealitythinking LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities. Ambrose Bierce bluetwoscience OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. Ambrose Bierce governmentinspirationfun Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. Ambrose Bierce amnestypunishmentwould-be TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. Ambrose Bierce qualitycareershands DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world. Ambrose Bierce baptismworldfirsts Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. Ambrose Bierce graduationinspirationalsports ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. Ambrose Bierce singersvoiceears TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source --the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens. Ambrose Bierce hymnslatinfather
