Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry. Johnny Carson More Quotes by Johnny Carson More Quotes From Johnny Carson Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson christmassarcasticfunny Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented. Johnny Carson juicedoctorshappiness Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. Johnny Carson liquorblondehappiness In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. Johnny Carson crazypeoplethinking Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist? Johnny Carson policeartistpresident Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp. Johnny Carson pimpwifestills If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. Johnny Carson humorouswittyfunny Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away. Johnny Carson tiredbelievelooks What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous? Johnny Carson plutoniummodern-lifecharacter As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show. Johnny Carson awardsfourtwo I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. Johnny Carson eightcarsilly For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson phonesfunnydeath Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'. Johnny Carson marriageusedgirl Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. Johnny Carson My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day. Johnny Carson congratulationssuccesshands Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. Johnny Carson lastsnew-yorknight According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives. Johnny Carson lightningstatisticswinning If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts. Johnny Carson shirtswantmen I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now." Johnny Carson bores-youattitudeboys Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.' Johnny Carson lawlongthinking
