Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom. Joan Rivers who-you-know college use I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone. Joan Rivers gynecologists telephones sex I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black. Joan Rivers back-when racist black Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception. Joan Rivers birth nice baby All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband. Joan Rivers husband giving people You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Joan Rivers doctors police age Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Joan Rivers appearance lying looks Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco. Joan Rivers baby children thinking Never admit that your back goes out more than you do Joan Rivers funny-golf great-golf golf Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway. Joan Rivers gay men believe I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters. Joan Rivers type luck water I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them. Joan Rivers gay kids children [On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground. Joan Rivers stuff trying fall If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot. Joan Rivers new-york home night What we do is a calling...we make people happy. Joan Rivers making-people-happy calling people Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it. Joan Rivers apologizing comedy should I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong. Joan Rivers forever night art Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'. Joan Rivers als pounds years My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken. Joan Rivers spots gone sex Better laid than never. Joan Rivers humorous funny sex
