Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show. by Eoin Colfer

Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show.

Eoin Colfer

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Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

tests trying school

Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre." Myles: "In Paris." Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?" Beckett: "Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?" Myles: "I agree with simple-toon." Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'" Beckett: "Itchy what?

paris brother simple

Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.

fowl assumption life

Oh,It's going to be so easy to kill you",scoffed Opal. by Eoin Colfer

Oh,It's going to be so easy to kill you",scoffed Opal.

opal easy

You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Sh... by Eoin Colfer

You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue

clue shirts t-shirt

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

opal self mother

Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.

opal finishing tolerance

Very well. I understand. Just ... shut up! by Eoin Colfer

Very well. I understand. Just ... shut up!

wells shut-up

My bugs don't have bugs. by Eoin Colfer

My bugs don't have bugs.

bugs

A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit?

pieces doe thinking

That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare... by Eoin Colfer

That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare ignore it.

lasts giving order

The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.

mafia cracks team

Remember this? You gave it to me for ensuring your trigger finger got reattached to your hand. You said it would remind me of that spark of decency inside me. I'm trying to do something decent now, Captain.

sparks trying hands

(text message) CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.

plot dna roots

No, I don't think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B'wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name.

stupid names thinking

Sig Sauer. Nine millimetres. Thirteen in the magazine. Big bullets. One of these hits you and it could blow your head off; something even the magic can't fix. Other than that you should be all right, presuming you remembered to wear the regulation above-ground micro-fibre jumpsuit recently patented by me. Then again, being a Recon jock, you probably didn't.

magazines magic blow

Grab some caviar from the kitchen. You wouldn't believe the muck they feed us in Bartleby's for ten thousand a term.

caviar kitchen believe

(about Dr. Po) Just another quack spouting psychobabble. by Eoin Colfer

(about Dr. Po) Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

quacks drs

Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition. by Eoin Colfer

Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition.

fowl ambition hurt

(to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push it with your face!

buttons fowl towers