Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors.

Lisa Lampanelli

Categorized in : Me Best Lose People

Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I hear his jokes it reminds me to wipe my ass.

Lisa Lampanelli

legends lips wipe

Larry the Cable Guy has everything: sleeveless shirts, stupid catchphrases. He's Mr. T without the acting chops.

Lisa Lampanelli

guy acting stupid

I'm decorating my parents' house for Christmas... I hope they find my manger with a baby yeezus in it as funny as I do!

Lisa Lampanelli

women house baby

Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping.

Lisa Lampanelli

escaping funny-sex sex

Even going on stage is a service because it brings people up from thinking about their lost job or their lost spouse or something like that, so that even helps people when I'm doing comedy; it's all done to make them laugh.

Lisa Lampanelli

jobs people thinking

A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there.

Lisa Lampanelli

jokes important

People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.

Lisa Lampanelli

nothing story single people

'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge.

Lisa Lampanelli

you hair time people

I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.

Lisa Lampanelli

my-life you talking life

When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.

Lisa Lampanelli

gangster say something hard

In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.

Lisa Lampanelli

myself you hair art

Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle.

Lisa Lampanelli

day good myself me

It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes.

Lisa Lampanelli

you comedy media important

Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.

Lisa Lampanelli

me comedy fun people

I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain.

Lisa Lampanelli

never myself comedy people

I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.

Lisa Lampanelli

looking good me ugly

I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'

Lisa Lampanelli

myself me god people

Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do.

Lisa Lampanelli

name good you crazy

I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.

Lisa Lampanelli

person never hate love

With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.

Lisa Lampanelli

me truth beauty people